It’s the same cycle every time.
You meet someone.
It feels electric. Safe. Familiar, somehow.
Then… they start to pull away.
They become distant.
Cold. Inconsistent.
And what do you do?
You try harder.
You double-text. You shrink. You analyze every message.
You start to think if I can just show them how good this could be, they’ll stay.
But they don’t.
They withdraw further—and you chase harder.
Why do we fall for the ones who pull away?
Why does the pain feel like proof that something’s real?
You’re not crazy. You’re not broken.
You’re stuck in a very specific psychological loop. And once you understand it—you can finally break free.
The Invisible Wound Driving You Toward Emotional Distance
Let’s start with the hard truth:
You don’t chase people who pull away by accident.
At some level—usually below your conscious awareness—your nervous system was trained to associate inconsistency with love.
This is the result of attachment trauma—especially if, growing up:
- Love had to be earned
- Approval was inconsistent
- Connection was paired with anxiety or fear
So as an adult, when someone is warm one moment and cold the next—it doesn’t alarm you. It feels familiar.
And your brain mistakes that familiarity for love.
Why You Feel Addicted to People Who Confuse You
Psychologically, you’re experiencing what researchers call an intermittent reinforcement loop.
This is the same behavioral pattern used in casinos.
When a person gives you attention sometimes but not always, your brain becomes obsessed with earning it again. The unpredictability makes it more addictive than constant affection.
Each time they ghost you and then return with crumbs of affection?
Your dopamine spikes.
You’re not in love.
You’re emotionally activated—and now chasing regulation.
The Core Belief Behind Your Chasing
When you chase someone who pulls away, it often comes from a core wound:
“I must convince people to stay.”
You’ve likely internalized the belief that love is something you must earn. That your presence isn’t enough. That you must perform—prove your worth—persuade someone not to leave.
But real love doesn’t feel like negotiation.
It feels like safety.
Why Pulling Away Feels Like a Threat to Your Identity
When someone withdraws, it doesn’t just trigger sadness.
It often triggers shame.
You start thinking:
- “What did I do wrong?”
- “Why am I not enough?”
- “How can I fix this?”
This is because when you’ve built your identity around being wanted, any form of distance feels like a personal failure. It threatens the version of you who is worthy only if someone else chooses you.
But here’s what you must remember:
Their withdrawal isn’t a reflection of your value.
It’s a reflection of their emotional availability.
The Truth About Emotionally Unavailable People
Here’s the paradox:
Emotionally unavailable people often seek intense connection—then run from it.
Why?
Because closeness threatens their internal defenses.
They crave intimacy, but fear vulnerability. So when things get real, they distance themselves.
Unfortunately, this dance can make you feel like you’re the problem.
Like if you were just more chill, more lovable, more perfect—they’d stay.
But no matter how good you are, you can’t make someone ready to receive you.
How to Use These Insights to Break the Cycle
- Name the pattern. Awareness weakens the hold. Call it what it is: a trauma bond, not a love story.
- Feel the withdrawal—but don’t chase it. The anxiety will rise. Breathe through it. Your worth is not up for debate.
- Reparent your emotional responses. When you feel abandoned, ask: “What does my younger self need right now?” Then give yourself that care.
- Shift your focus from chemistry to consistency. Emotional intensity is not the same as emotional safety.
- Practice choosing partners who feel calm, not chaotic. If it feels unfamiliar at first—it means you’re healing.
You’re Not Too Much. You’re Just Giving It to the Wrong Person.
You were never meant to beg for clarity.
Or shrink yourself to maintain someone’s interest.
The right connection won’t leave you wondering where you stand.
It won’t make you feel like you’re chasing peace in someone else’s storm.
You don’t have to earn real love.
You only have to stop giving your deepest loyalty to those who disappear when it matters most.
Let go of the chase.
Come home to yourself.
And remember:
The right person won’t pull away when you get closer.
They’ll meet you there—open, present, and ready.